I’m getting old. I have done nothing yet. Nothing of significance, absolutely nothing of consequence yet. I feel like I’ve wasted my life so far. I still think I am a child, that there is still time left to do things, that I have time still to grow up. Then I look at my classmates, and see what they’re doing and what they have planned. Graduate school is a great leveler. When I say classmates, I mean people two or three years my junior. Sure there are also people who are senior to me, but they’re a miniscule percentage of the class strength and they’ve already accomplished things in their domain. I had just started out, couple of years in the IT industry, which was very much like undergrad. Now I’m here and seeing such driven people. What am I lacking? Why don’t I have that fire, that drive? Why am I so lackadaisical?
I keep joking that I won’t get married before 30. That time isn’t far away. I was 21 just yesterday, today I’m 24 going on 25 in August. Four years, gone just like that. The next 5 will also go like that. What am I going to do by then? Will I be able to support myself by then? Will I be capable of supporting a family by then? Why don’t I have a girlfriend? Good thing I don’t have a girlfriend. I’m having trouble managing my own finances here, everything being so expensive. How am I going to support another person? It’s a good thing that we’re supposed to spend on our girlfriends and spoil them. It’s a rehearsal for spending for the family, supporting the family. If I can’t do it now, how will I do it then? How am I going to reach that point? I don’t know. Absolutely no idea.
I’m getting old now. I am running out of time. By this time, people are self-sufficient and earning. Maintaining themselves. How am I going to manage that? I’m still a kid. I treat myself as a kid. That’s the problem. I’m still keeping small, very tiny goals. Grasshopper. I’m just afraid to start. Afraid to look ahead. I’m in this happy, comfortable, blissful place. It’s fake, it’s not going to last for long. The bubble is going to burst. I know it, and yet, I don’t know how to change it. What am I supposed to be doing? I don’t know.
This is dangerous. I’m scared. I’m getting old. Responsibilities and the world are rushing at me. I have to start earning. But I’m still studying. But this is graduate school. This isn’t regular study. You have to think about earning in the side. So expensive. Cooking. Waking up in the morning. A routine. Discipline. Maybe I’ll start there. Just a simple discipline. We can start there. Children do that. I’m a child, correct. Then let’s start there. With the discipline. I’m writing this at 1 a.m. no more of that. Wake up early in the morning. Wake up, eat a healthy breakfast, go to school on time. Do your work on time, no distractions. Just like school. Like a child. Start from there. Discipline. Hopefully everything else will fall in place. Then the other things will come about. Saving money, no useless expenditures. Savings. Savings. No more splurging. Spend on food. Spend on keeping myself healthy. Then look to earn. Work. Earn. Income. And savings. Minimal expenditures. Noble thoughts, must start with the discipline. That will change everything.
You can have an epiphany, but it is of no use if you don’t act upon it. I must act upon it. My body should help with this. I have an alarm set for 7 in the morning, but nowadays I just don’t hear it. Like an idiot, I am awake the whole night, my body needs the sleep. How will it hear the alarm in the morning if it isn’t rested? Enough rest. That will help. Discipline. That will change everything. Give the body the rest and all the sleep it deserves. Not more, that is bad. That is what I’ve been doing. That is not good. Discipline. Early to bed and early to rise. Healthy, wealthy and wise. Discipline. That’ll change everything.
I’m getting old. I realize things. But I’m just a child. Discipline. Children have that, they practice it. Start from there. Everything will fall into place then. Things will change.
An Adultescent 